Another year older...

...but none the wiser.
It's been a tough year.
I joke that poor people have nervous breakdowns,
rich people have a midlife crisis.
I would fall into the former category.
After all is said and done I have a lot to be thankful for.
I have a patient, kind and wonderful husband who doesn't resent
me for falling apart on him.
OR at least if he does, he hides it well.
I have two beautiful, smart, creative kids who mean the world to me.
I have lots of great friends and a supportive family.
So, we don't have a lot of money.
We are relatively happy.
And my house is at least a little bit cleaner
now that I'm working part time
and have energy to keep up with it.
Now if I can just get my butt to the gym everyday,
THAT would be an accomplishment!

Dawson's progress

It's been a little over a year since Dawson
was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis.
It's been a rough year, but he's made great progress.
and I am thankful for that.
He does his daily airway clearance treatments and
takes a boat load of pills every time he eats.
He only has to go to Primary Children's every 8
weeks now for checkups.
They are awesome people.
Most of the time he doesn't mind the appointments,
but it really sucks when they have to draw blood.
Dawson is REALLY squeamish like his mom.
and he has little veins.
Recently he had his 1 year checkup.
The whole shebang.
Chest X-Rays, blood work, physical.
Dad got to take him this time around.
He's gained some significant weight and grew almost 3",
which puts him in the 15% opposed to where he was in the 5%.
He's so lucky to get to eat whatever he wants.
He's on a high fat, high calorie, high carb diet.
The rest of us need to lose a few pounds.
It's amazing to me that the doctors never caught this in the past.
They attributed his low weight to him having a high metabolism.
WRONG.
I've always felt something just wasn't kosher.
It really makes a difference to have a good doctor.
One that cares.
One that goes above and beyond the basics.
I would highly recommend Dr. Nordell Brown,
here in Cache Valley to anyone looking
for a good pediatrician.
Yes, that's a plug.
Cause in my eyes he saved my little boy's life.
We try to keep things positive and just take it
one day at a time.
He's happy.
He's healthy.
And that's all we can ask for.

Feels like Fall...

This morning I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed.
Not because I was still tired.
But because it was cold!
It's still August people.
I shouldn't complain.
I mean,
It beats central Cali weather of 100+
But I'm not ready for cold.
I didn't get enough warm.
I didn't put in enough sun worshiping time.
Soon it will be another long, hard winter.
That's right.
Long AND hard.
I don't know if I will survive.
How have I've managed this long?
I don't know.
I truly don't!

I don't know about anyone else...

but I can't WAIT for school to start!
My kids currently stay up way too late.
Then sleep in until noon.
or later.
They wake up about the time I get home from work.
because I MAKE THEM.
They are bored.
Summer entertainment is expensive.
We had a really cool FREE splash pad open right behind our house.
But they "are too old for that".
We are going to Lagoon next week.
One final Hoorah before the madness resumes.
Then it's back to school shopping.
and haircuts.
The struggle to get everyone up and going in the morning.
Am I ready?
no.
but I guess it will be here before I know it!

Has anyone seen my brain laying around?

We decided to drive out to see my mom for the weekend.
A bunch of my other family was going to be there so
we thought it would be fun.
Just me and the kids.
It's a long drive.
About 14 hours.
I've done it before.
But it's brutal.
I got the car all trip checked, gassed up
and packed the night before.
Ariana had a dentist appointment so we were planning to
leave right after that.
We go out to the car and I have a flat.
Nail in the tire.
Reschedule dental appointment.
Dave comes home from work and and helps me take
the tire in to get it fixed.
So we finally set out on our road trip around noon.
Top down.
Radio blasted.
Wind in our hair.
Care free.
About 30 miles from Wendover I reach for my purse
to get some lip gloss and realize I didn't have it.
I pulled over and checked the trunk and searched the car.
Nothing.
No credit cards.
No license.
No money.
I was coming up to a turnoff anyway so I turn the car
around and head back home.
What else could I do?
I had exactly 1/2 a tank of gas left.
Just enough to get us back home.
On top of that we all got too much sun
and I have a tan/burn line from the seat belt.
Attractive.
I'm thinking Someone is telling me this trip wasn't
such a great idea after all!

Easy living

According to my social security statement
I've been working since I was 15 years old.
I've had many jobs in my lifetime.
Hundreds.
Literally.
I've kind of always been a company man.
Figuratively speaking.
I didn't really have jobs like most people did
growing up like mowing lawns, babysitting, etc.
My problem is I get bored too easily.
Maybe I even have A.D.D.
If I'm not feeling challenged or entertained
I move on to something else.
It's a dilemma I've had my entire working life.
Why can't I just be content?
I don't know.
Right now I have the summer off with the kids
and I don't know what to do with myself.
I should be enjoying it.
Easy living.
But I'm bored. And feel disconnected.
I always say I wonder what I'm going to be when I grow up.
I'm there.
Now what?
Maybe I should go back to school.
And what kind of fun, cheap things are there
to do with the kids in this valley?

Orlando Trip

This was our first official family vacation.
We usually use our vacation time to go visit
relatives in California.
It was also Dawson's first plane ride!
Orlando was about 90 degrees every day.
And 90% humidity.
Give Kids the World (where we stayed)
had a nice big pool we swam in every night,
which I think was Dawson's favorite part of the whole trip.
They had an ice cream parlor with all-you-can-eat ice cream
from 9am to 9pm.
There was a 7-hole miniature golf course, an arcade,
talking trashcans, a snoring tree,
and planned activities every night.
Dawson got to pie his dad in the face one night.
We were about 10 miles from the resorts.
Our Villa was perfect in every way.
Complete with full kitchen, washer & dryer,
and jacuzzi tub.
We ate breakfast and dinner at the on-site restaurants
and lunches at whichever park we were visiting for the day.
We made it to every park but certainly didn't get to do everything.
The day we went to Animal Kingdom there was a huge rainstorm
so we only stayed 1/2 day because they closed down all the rides.
It's just RAIN people!
Some highlights:
We got to the front of the ride lines with Dawson's golden ticket.
Dave got to be a star in the "Disaster" ride,
and was hamming it up in another attraction too.
Ariana got chased by Darth Maul.
Dave got his panties in a bunch because they wouldn't let us
to the front of the line to take pictures with Chewbacca.
We got to eat at the Hard Rock cafe and get a souvenir cup.
We took the Ferryboat and ate at little Germany in Epcot.
It was a trip of a lifetime!
I want to give a special shout out to the Make-A-Wish foundation
and Give Kids the World for making it all possible.

What's new with me?

Our trip to Florida was fabulous.
If I can figure out how I will post pictures.
I took a lot with my new camera I bought
especially for the trip.
Most importantly Dawson had fun.
We all did.
It was a trip of a lifetime!
That will be a whole other post.
I quit my job at Wescor.
I lasted 3 years.
It was a good job.
Not great. Just good.
I'm not sure what the breaking point was for me.
My nervous breakdown or the job itself.
I went back from my sabbatical part time and loved it.
For a week.
Then I realized I needed out of that environment.
So I got a new job at GBS benefits.
I'm official. I have a title.
"Account Coordinator"
So far it's amazing.
The gals I work with are fun, kind and generous.
We get along great and have a lot in common.
Shouldn't all work environments be like this??
I feel unworthy.
I hope I can live up to their expectations.
I'm an old dog and it's hard to learn new tricks.
Wish me luck!

My confessions

I am feeling 110% better.
Drugs are good.
mmmm kay?

I'm back to work part time.
And I LOVE IT!
I didn't think I would.
I had anxiety about how awkward it would be.
Everyone has been very nice and understanding.
and have made it easy.

Today I took a nap.
The first nap I've had in 2 weeks.
I deserved it.
and I actually napped.
Not slept for 2 hours.
It was like 15 minutes.
Max.

I chopped off all my hair.
Not on purpose, but I colored it one too many times.
It's uber short.
and I LOVE IT!
It's so easy.
I feel like I'm in a constant battle with my hair.
I've had strange women with beautiful long hair
come up to me and tell me they love it
and that they wish they could wear their hair short.
They're probably lying.
Or they're just as crazy as I am.
I personally think I look awful, but hey.
whatever.
Make-up goes a long way!

I want to get a tattoo.
Nothing obnoxious.
Just a little dragonfly on my right shoulder.
Is that too white-trashy?
I've wanted one forever.
Dragonflies like me.
Seriously.
They are attracted to me.
Ask my family.
It's weird.

I want to get my nose pierced too.
With my teenage daughter.
My husband will kill me.
And my bff Jess will hate me
because she just got her's pierced.
Now I don't want to seem like a copycat.
But I had my nose pierced 20 years ago and
have been wanting to do it again forever.
My daughter has been bugging me for a while now about
getting hers done.

I guess I'm having a mid-life crisis.
But hell.
I'm alive!

and there are worse things right?

DEFINE NORMAL?

About a month ago out of sheer desperation
I went to a psychiatrist here in town.
He asked all the right questions.
I told him my life story.
He listened.
I cried.
He prescribed some meds and sent me on my merry way.
Unfortunately, I had severe side effects.
So he gave me some different meds to try.
They worked ok.
But just ok.
When I was awake I could function.
That was some improvement.
But I was still depressed and sleeping all the time.
So, he told me to stop my meds altogether.
Great idea!
Let's go back to the beginning and start over!
Why didn't I think of that?
So I found a new psychiatrist.
I went all the way to Ogden.
In the snowy, slushy, rainy mess.
It was a scary drive.
But not as scary as the clinic.
I was sitting in the waiting room and
a young man sitting across from me proceeded to tell me
all about every bone he's ever broken and how he did it.
IN DETAIL.
Like I was his best friend or something.
Now, anyone who knows me, knows how squeamish I am.
I was trying to be polite.
Mostly because it's my nature.
Also because I was afraid what ignoring him might invoke.
Whilst trying not to puke at the visuals he was producing
with each bone-breaking gory story,
Pat walked in.
You know.
From the 1994 "It's Pat" SNL skit?
But with piercings protruding from any and all visible orifices.
And probably the one's not visible.
An uneasy feeling washed over me.
I was alone in the waiting room with these two.
The little voice in my head asked me
"What are you doing here?"
You can imagine my relief when my doctor called my name.
Except when I looked up for a second
I wasn't sure if he was my doctor or another patient.
He looked like Lex Luthor from Smallville.
So we went into his office and sat.
He asked all the right questions.
I told him my life story.
He listened.
I didn't cry.
I told him I just wanted to function and feel normal again.
He asked me to define normal.
I thought about the adrenalin junky and Emo Pat in the waiting room.
I laughed.
He was nice.
He empathized.
He seemed truly concerned.
He looked at me like he was wondering what I was doing there.
We discussed some medication options.
I agreed to anything that would help.
Help me get out of bed and do something.
Something other than cry or sleep or just barely exist.
He unlocked the door to his office.
Yes, we had been locked in.
Not sure if I should be worried or feel protected at this point.
He unlocked another door and disappeared into a room.
A few seconds later he appeared with some samples of the
medication we agreed upon.
He told me to call him if it wasn't right for me.
And we would try something else.
He said that patients either love it or hate it.
4 days later and I'm feeling great.
Hell, I'll go as far to say that I'm feeling giddy.
My kids can't believe this is their mom.
I'm fun.
I'm smiling.
I'm laughing.
I'm playing.
I'm me.
Finally.
The me I haven't seen in so long I don't recognize myself.
I hope I stay me.
I didn't like that other person so much.
She was crazy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE!

I can't believe you are SO OLD!
That means I'M OLD TOO!
GAHHH!!!
You will forever be the young man I fell
head over heals for 21 years ago.
Happy birthday thug.
I LOVE YOU!!!

A GOOD DAY!

So other than sleeping 12 hours last night, today has been a good day.
Not sure if it's because of my new medicine.
Or because it's Friday.
Or because I had the day to myself.
Or because my hubby is coming home from his 4 day trip.
I went shopping and bought 3 springy outfits and a pair of sandals.
all for under $30.
Went tanning~which I think I'm becoming addicted to.
Colored my hair.
and I actually like it.
Took Milo for a long walk.
Which made us both happy.
And I'm going to dinner with my husband after picking him up
from the airport.
It's been a good day.
and I am thankful for it!

AND THE BATTLE GOES ON...

I'm seeing this pattern now.
For every good day there is at least two bad days.
I guess that is improvement since before
it was mostly bad days.
I'm taking some steps to get myself better.
With no help from my shrink.
He's fairly useless other than writing an Rx.
I need some counseling and can't seem to get
anyone to see me for at least a week out.
I guess I'm not alone in this battle.
That should be comforting I guess.
I'm taking "mindful walks".
I'm getting to the tanning booth on the non-sunny days.
I'm making small lists and accomplishing most of them.
On the good days.
The bad days I mostly sleep.
At least when I sleep I'm not depressed.

A NURSERY RHYME

Fancy Nancy always adapted,
Fancie Nancy finally snap-ted.
All the fine doctors and all the good meds,
Couldn't make Nancie's head right again.

WHAT'S THIS?

Two posts in one month? Are you hallucinating?
Dave suggested one day that I Blog about
"The Ramblings of a Depressed MILF"
or something like that...
PBLLLT!
People have their own problems.
Why would they want to listen to mine?
No one wants to hear me whine.
Plus I'm pretty sure I'm only a MILF in HIS mind.
Then I remembered something very important.
Blogging isn't about you.
It's about me.
Blogging helps ME express myself through writing.
Lately I've been a mess.
See, I went to this shrink a few weeks ago because I
thought I was losing my mind.
Come to find out I was right.
You know that sign you see driving North on Main Street
that says; "You wouldn't tell a cancer patient to just
shake it off...Depression is real"?
They are talking about me.
Seems I'm not handling Dawson's newly diagnosed disease
as well as I thought I was. All I seem to have the energy to
do is sleep. Because when I sleep I'm NOT depressed.
See my dilemma?
It's not that I WANT to be depressed.
It's not that I WANT to sleep 12 hours a day.
I want to live.
I want to be a good mother.
I want to be a wonderful wife.
I want to savor every moment I have with my family.
I want to be a loyal employee.
I want to be a devoted friend.
I want purpose.
Hell, these days I'll settle for just functioning long
enough to take a shower and eat breakfast.
Is that asking too much?
Today was a good day.
I can't believe it's 1:30am and I've actually been awake
for over 15 hours straight now! Woot!
no. Double Woot!
Let's hope tomorrow brings more todays.

EPIC FAIL

I have failed at my resolution to blog more often.
Blogging is hard!
It's not that I don't have anything to blog about.
It's just finding quiet time to gather my thoughts
and put them into sensible writings.
I have failed at a lot lately, so I'm warning my followers now that
my future posts will probably be me whining about said failures.
Consider yourselves warned!

WOW

It's been a crazy year. I'm really looking forward to making some
improvements this upcoming year starting with myself.
Some resolutions....
1) Take better care of myself
~ I tend to let my needs fall behind everyone else's
2) Blog more.
~ I'm dedicating this years blogging to my kids.
3) Let my hair grow out
~ this is going to be a tough one.
I've done it before though, so I know it can be done!!
4) Manage my time better
~ this may mean less time on Facebook,
but hopefully you will see more of me in person!!!
5) Spend more quality time with my family
~ always a challenge. So many distractions!!!
6) Cook more.
~ ugh. I'm not a great cook and I hate the after clean up process.
BUT this will also force me to eat better which helps
with resolution #1.
7) Eat less, move more.
~ back to #1
Happy New Year!!! I hope it turns out a great one for us all!!!